You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me.
I would rather you not be near me at all. It’s easier to bear that way. I feel like every word you speak that is not to me is in spite of me. My heart sinks deeper and deeper and all I can do is guard it carefully. But despite my efforts, you aim at my weakest points with the most precise intentions. Look, he was right. In the end, I’m the one who’s hurt, blogging my sorrows away as I try to ignore your laughter right behind me.
There is never a right time.
Maybe I should have stayed at work instead of go out for a long break today? Would I have finished my job earlier? If I did, and I came home at 10:20 instead of 10:40, would Jimmy have dropped and broken a glass down the sink?
Would my parents still have reacted the same way? Would I have saved my brothers and myself from crying tonight?
Would we have had to stand around the kitchen, praying for our futures, because we didn’t know if we were going to be left behind or not?
I need to know if I would have made a difference.
I need to know if I somehow keep this family together.
It would be nice to think that.
And really, how could I have thought that I was having a good day? Two days off from work, granted I was occupied with other priorities, left me feeling over the moon and relaxed than I have been for a really long time.
I woke up at the unusual time of 7:55 instead of the usual 10. With my extra time, I took a bit longer to prepare my makeup — eyeliner, mascara, lipstick. I got so many compliments today, having not worn makeup for several months, and I felt so good because I haven’t felt “pretty” in a while. I had a pleasant time at work and everything was at ease. I even had a nice dinner with a coworker and really enjoyed my meal. I was so unusually hyper and crazy that my coworkers had to comment on it several times.
And wow, maybe that was just setting me up for tonight.
After I drove up the driveway and exited my car, my brother Jimmy came out with a bag of trash to put away and said, “I don’t know if you want to try to stop them or not. Maybe you shouldn’t come in.”
And I had to physically grab his arm to take a moment to explain what happened to trigger them.
Because that’s what my parents do, they get triggered. It’s not exactly what happened to cause the argument that matters. Because at the end of the day, what they say is the same. Fucked up communication. Fucked up marriage. Fucked up family. I kept on hearing “This is a bullshit family. This is a bullshit family.”
And these days, I don’t have much going for me but my family. So it sucks to hear that coming from my own mother’s mouth. Really, I haven’t worn mascara in 6 freaking months, yet just an hour ago, black pigments were streaming down my face.
This is why you don’t wear makeup, guys.
So while catching up on The Vampire Diaries yesterday via the CWTV site before the new episode aired, I saw the trailer for Hemlock Grove and beautiful Landon Liboiron’s face made me open a new tab to renew my account on Netflix (which got cancelled because BoA sent me a new debit card and invalidated my then-current one without notification and I didn’t bother to update my account) just to watch the damn show. I still had one more episode to go before watching yesterday’s but I even found myself skimming through it at some points because I just really wanted to start watching Hemlock Grove.
When I finally got caught up with TVD, I curiously checked out the HG tag on tumblr to see everyone’s reaction and saw all this “WTF is going on, it’s so bad that it’s sooo good, and even with the finale nothing makes sense but I want a second season anyway” and honestly I didn’t think any of this even once while watching. Yeah, some kinks in the show and the dialogue was sometimes WTF (I recommend watching with CC) but I never thought the actions or anything were. The flashbacks were a little hard to chronologically place in my head but it was understandable.
Also everyone’s acting was PHENOMENAL. No, really, I don’t ever remember cringing at anybody’s acting. (Which is why I’m so confused that other peple think otherwise.) Also the show actually made all the supernatural stuff seem so damn normal, which was refreshing. Like it was so awesome how Peter and Roman (and OMG MY HEART, THEY ARE SO IN LOVE. OR MORE LIKE ROMAN IS. ROMAN IS TOTALLY THE LOVESICK FOOL HERE.) understood each other’s abilities inherently. Just, omg. Seriously.
Thank god the whole show was just THERE because I would’ve shitted balls waiting for each episode. Netflix, you fucking angel.
Also there are seriously no filler scenes here. Like everything in the show matters. It’s like one long ass movie that Netflix just conveniently broke down into digestible episodes.
Anyways, I am just so in love and I want a second season and I would totally buy the DVD set and Roman and Peter make each other’s hearts swoon and that makes me happy.
SECOND SEASON PLEASE!!